A Silent Scream's Journal

Sunday, September 9, 2007

1:18PM - UGH

I hate being a girl...

A fucking MONTH! >_<

*sigh* ....Maybe this shot isn't so worth it?

Saturday, September 8, 2007

2:51AM - I just HAD to post this......

How to Butcher a Human for Consumption:

This is a step-by-step guide on how to break down the human body from the full figure into serviceable choice cuts of meat. As in any field, there are a number of methods to the practice, and you may wish to view this as a set of suggestions rather than concrete rules. You will notice that the carving of the larger or "commercial" cuts down into smaller specific or "retail" cuts will be only mentioned in passing, and not concentrated upon. Also, the use of human fat and viscera is generally avoided, and left only to the most experimental chef. These choices, along with recipes and serving suggestions, are nearly infinite in variety, and we leave them to you. We've found these guidelines to be simple and functional, but recognize that there is always room for improvement and we welcome your suggestions.

Before getting to the main task, it must be mentioned that the complete rendering of the human carcass requires a fairly large amount of time, effort, and space. If the consumer does not wish to go through the ordeal of processing and storing the bulk of the entire animal, an easy alternative is as follows. Simply saw through one or both legs at the points directly below the groin and a few inches above the knee. Once skinned, these portions may then be cut into round steaks of the carver's preferred thickness, cut into fillets, deboned for a roast, etc. Meat for several meals is thus readily obtained without the need for gutting and the complexities of preparing the entire form.

The human being (also referred to throughout culinary history as "long pig" and "hairless goat" in the case of younger specimens) is not generally thought of as a staple food source. Observing the anatomy and skeleton, one can see that the animal is neither built nor bred for its meat, and as such will not provide nearly as much flesh as a pig or cow (for example, an average 1000 pound steer breaks down to provide 432 pounds of saleable beef). The large central pelvis and broad shoulder blades also interfere with achieving perfect cuts. There are advantages to this however, especially due to the fact that the typical specimen will weigh between 100-200 pounds, easily manipulated by one person with sufficient leverage.

Here the caution in choosing your meal must be mentioned. It is VERY IMPORTANT to remember that animals raised for slaughter are kept in tightly controlled environments with their health and diet carefully maintained. Humans are not. Thus not only is the meat of each person of varying quality, but people are also subject to an enormous range of diseases, infections, chemical imbalances, and poisonous bad habits, all typically increasing with age. Also as an animal ages, the meat loses its tenderness, becoming tough and stringy. No farm animal is ever allowed to age for thirty years. Six to thirteen months old is a more common slaughtering point. You will obviously want a youthful but mature physically fit human in apparently good health. A certain amount of fat is desirable as "marbling" to add a juicy, flavorful quality to the meat. We personally prefer firm caucasian females in their early twenties. These are "ripe". But tastes vary, and it is a very large herd.

The butcher will need a fairly roomy space in which to work (an interior location is suggested), and a large table for a butcher's block. A central overhead support will need to be chosen or installed ahead of time to hang the carcass from. Large tubs or barrels for blood and waste trimmings should be convenient, and a water source close by. Most of the work can be done with a few simple tools: sharp, clean short and long bladed knives, a cleaver or hatchet, and a hacksaw.

Body Preparation: Acquiring your subject is up to you. For best results and health, freshness is imperative. A living human in captivity is optimal, but not always available. When possible make sure the animal has no food for 48 hours, but plenty of water. This fasting helps flush the system, purging stored toxins and bodily wastes, as well as making bleeding and cleaning easier. Under ideal conditions, the specimen will then be stunned into insensitivity. Sharp unexpected blows to the head are best, tranquilizers not being recommended as they may taint the flavor of the meat. If this is not possible without exciting the animal and causing a struggle (which will pump a greater volume of blood and secretions such as adrenaline throughout the body), a single bullet through the middle of the forehead or back of the skull will suffice.

Hanging: Once the animal is unconscious or dead, it is ready to be hoisted. Get the feet up first, then the hands, with the head down. This is called the "Gein configuration". Simple loops of rope may be tied around the hands and feet and then attached to a crossbar or overhead beam. Or, by making a cut behind the Achilles tendon, a meathook may be inserted into each ankle for hanging support. The legs should be spread so that the feet are outside the shoulders, with the arms roughly parallel to the legs. This provides access to the pelvis, and keeps the arms out of the way in a ready position for removal. It's easiest to work if the feet are slightly above the level of the butcher's head.

Bleeding: Place a large open vessel beneath the animal's head. With a long-bladed knife, start at one corner of the jaw and make a deep "ear-to-ear" cut through the neck and larynx to the opposite side. This will sever the internal and external carotid arteries, the major blood vessels carrying blood from the heart to the head, face, and brain. If the animal is not yet dead, this will kill it quickly, and allow for the blood to drain in any case. After the initial rush of blood, the stream should be controllable and can be directed into a receptacle. Drainage can be assisted by massaging the extremities down in the direction of the trunk, and by compressing and releasing, "pumping", the stomach. A mature specimen will contain almost six liters of blood. There is no use for this fluid, unless some source is waiting to use it immediately for ritual purposes. It acts as an emetic in most people if drunk, and it must be mentioned here that because of the eternal possibility of AIDS it is recommended that for safety's sake all blood should be considered to be contaminated and disposed of in some fashion. It is not known whether an HlV-infected human's flesh is dangerous even if cooked, but this is another item to consider when choosing a specimen, someone in the low-risk strata.

Beheading: When the bleeding slows, preparation for decapitation can be started. Continue the cut to the throat around the entire neck, from the jawline to the back of the skull. Once muscle and ligament have been sliced away, the head can be cleanly removed by gripping it on either side and twisting it off, separation occurring where the spinal cord meets the skull. This is indicative of the method to be used for dividing other bones or joints, in that the meat should generally be cut through first with a knife, and the exposed bone then separated with a saw or cleaver. The merits of keeping the skull as a trophy are debatable for two principal reasons. First, a human skull may call suspicious attention to the new owner. Secondly, thorough cleaning is difficult due to the large brain mass, which is hard to remove without opening the skull. The brain is not good to eat. Removing the tongue and eyes, skinning the head, and placing it outside in a wire cage may be effective. The cage allows small scavengers such as ants and maggots to cleanse the flesh from the bones, while preventing it being carried off by larger scavengers, such as dogs and children. After a sufficient period of time, you may retrieve the skull and boil it in a dilute bleach solution to sterilize it and wash away any remaining tissue.

Skinning: After removing the head, wash the rest of the body down. Because there is no major market for human hides, particular care in removing the skin in a single piece is not necessary, and makes the task much easier. The skin is in fact a large organ, and by flaying the carcass you not only expose the muscular configuration, but also get rid of the hair and the tiny distasteful glands which produce sweat and oil. A short-bladed knife should be used to avoid slicing into muscle and viscera. The skin is composed of two layers, an outer thinner one with a thicker tissue layer below it. When skinning, first score the surface, cutting lightly to be sure of depth and direction. The diagram of the skinning pattern is an example of strip-style skinning, dividing the surface into portions easy to handle. Reflect the skin by lifting up and peeling back with one hand, while bringing the knife in as flat to the skin as possible to cut away connective tissue. The external genitals present only a small obstacle. In the male the penis and scrotum can be pulled away from the body and severed, in the female the outer lips skinned as the rest of the body. It is important to leave the anus untouched at this point, and a circle of skin should be left around it. You need not bother skinning the hands and feet, these portions not being worth the effort unless you plan to pickle them or use them in soup. The skin can be disposed of, or made into fried rinds. Boil the strips and peel away the outer layer, then cut into smaller pieces and deep-fat fry in boiling oil until puffy and crisp. Dust with garlic salt, paprika and cayenne pepper.

Gutting: The next major step is complete evisceration of the carcass. To begin, make a cut from the solar plexus, the point between the breastbone and stomach, almost to the anus. Be very careful not to cut into the intestines, as this will contaminate the surrounding area with bacteria and possibly feces (if this does happen, cleanse thoroughly). A good way to avoid this is to use the knife inside the abdominal wall, blade facing toward you, and making cautious progress.

Make a cut around the anus, or "bung", and tie it off with twine. This also prevents contamination, keeping the body from voiding any material left in the bowel. With a saw, cut through the pubic bone, or "aitch". The lower body is now completely open, and you can begin to pull the organ masses (large and small intestines, kidneys, liver, stomach) out and cut them away from the back wall of the body.

For the upper torso, first cut through the diaphragm around the inner surface of the carcass. This is the muscular membrane which divides the upper, or thoracic, and the lower abdominal cavities. Remove the breastbone, cutting down to the point on each side where it connects to the ribs, and then sawing through and detaching it from the collar bone. Some prefer to cut straight through the middle, depending on the ideas you have for cuts in the final stages. The heart and lungs may be detached and the throat cut into to remove the larynx and trachea. Once all of the inner organs have been removed, trim away any blood vessels or remaining pieces of connective tissue from the interior of the carcass, and wash out thoroughly.

Remove the Arms: Actual butchering of the carcass is now ready to begin. Cut into the armpit straight to the shoulder, and remove the arm bone, the humerus, from the collar bone and shoulder blade. Chop the hand off an inch or so above the wrist. Most of the meat here is between elbow and shoulder, as the muscle groups are larger here and due to the fact that there are two bones in the forearm. Another way of cutting this portion is to cut away the deltoid muscle from the upper arm near the shoulder (but leaving it attached to the trunk) before removing the limb. This decreases the percentage of useable meat on the arm, but allows a larger shoulder strip when excising the shoulder blade. Purely a matter of personal preference. Cut into and break apart the joint of the elbow, and the two halves of each arm are now ready for carving servings from. Human flesh should always be properly cooked before eating.

Halving the Carcass: The main body is now ready to be split. Some like to saw straight through the spine from buttocks to neck. This leaves the muscle fiber encasing the vertebrae on the end of the ribs. The meat here however is tightly wrapped about the bone, and we find it more suitable (if used at all) when boiled for soup. Thus, our preferred method is to completely remove the entire backbone by cutting and then sawing down either side from the tailbone on through.

Quartering the Carcass: The halves may now be taken down, unless your preparation table or butcher block is very short. This is inadequate, and you will have to quarter while hanging, slicing through the side at a point of your choosing between rib cage and pelvis. Now is also the time to begin thinking about how you would like to serve the flesh, as this will determine the style of cuts you are about to make. These will also be greatly affected by the muscular configuration (physical fitness) of your specimen. First, chop the feet off at a point about three inches up from the ankle. The bones are very thick where the leg connects to the foot. You will want to divide the side of meat into two further principal portions: the ribs and shoulder, and the half-pelvis and leg. In between is the "flank" or belly, which may be used for fillets or steaks, if thick enough, or even bacon strips if you wish to cut this thinly. Thin and wide strips of flesh may also be rolled, and cooked to serve as a roast. Trim away along the edge of the ribs, and then decide whether you will cut steaks from the flank into the thighs and rump, and carve accordingly.

Cutting the Top Quarter: Although not actually 25f the meat you will get, this is designated as one-fourth of the carcass as divided into major portions. You may trim away the neck, or leave it to be connected with the shoulder, or "chuck". The first major step with this mass is to remove the shoulder blade and the collar bone. The best and easiest way we have found is to just cut along the outline of the shoulder blade, removing the meat on top and then dislocating the large bone. To excise the collar bone make an incision along its length and then cut and pry it away. Depending upon the development of the breast, you may decide it qualifies as a "brisket" and remove it before cutting the ribs. In the female the breast is composed largely of glands and fatty tissue, and despite its appetizing appearance is rather inedible. The ribs are the choice cut of the quarter. An perennial favorite for barbecuing, you may divide into sections of several ribs each and cook them as is, divide the strip in half for shorter ribs, or even carve rib steaks if the muscle mass is sufficient.

Cutting the Lower Quarter: This is where most of the meat is, humans being upright animals. The muscle mass is largest in the legs and rump. The bulk is so comparatively large here that you can do just about anything with it. The main pieces are the buttock or rump and the upper leg, the thigh. Our typical division is to cut the leg off at the bottom of the buttock, then chop away the bony mass of the knee, at places two to three inches away in either direction. Before doing this, however, you may want to remove the whole calf muscle from the back of the lower leg, as this is the best cut in its area. The upper leg is now ready for anything, most especially some beautiful, thick round steaks. The rump will have to be carved from the pelvis in a rather triangular piece. The legs attach at the hip at a forward point on the body, so there will be little interference as you carve along the curve of the pelvis. Remaining meat will be on the thighs in front of the pelvis.

And that's basically it. An average freezer provides plenty of storage space, or you may even wish to build a simple old-fashioned smokehouse (just like an outhouse, with a stone firepit instead of a shitter). Offal and other waste trimmings can be disposed of in a number of ways, burial, animal feed, and puree and flush being just a few. Bones will dry and become brittle after being baked an oven, and can be pulverized.

(Scream it out loud)

Saturday, August 25, 2007

12:04AM - Hmmm....

I had a conversation with my cousin Jack today. He thinks that California is bad for me. The people are too hypocritical, and a lot of them are just gold diggers. He doesn't want me to stress myself out over my appearance, or try and fit in. And he doesn't think that living in a state that has no seasons is a good thing. (He really dislikes this state, kind of like I do.) He suggested that I move to either the Northeast (which would get me back home), or the Midwest. He lives in Jersey...loves Maine, Colorado, Massachusetts, Jersey, New York, and a few others and suggested any of those for me. We had a pretty cool conversation about skiing and snowboarding today too.

Anyone feel the same? Any suggestions?

Being myself doesn't work here apparently. Finally someone agrees.

I'm looking forward to 2008 now.

Current mood:

o_O

Current music: House on tv

(1 Blown Eardrums | Scream it out loud)

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

11:11PM

So, I started school. That one class will help me not sit on my ass all the time at least. I ran into Father Time (one of the captains in the Pirates of Bedlam) today at school, and he asked me if I was going to War.... but, I don't think I can request the time off, and I have no money. My paycheck will be gone by the end of friday *sigh* I think I'm just going to save up and go to May War. I like that renaissance fair. I can actually be myself without anyone thinking I'm weird, and come on... WE DRESS UP AS PIRATES AND DRINK ALL WEEKEND! Who wouldn't want to do that?!

Recently traveling makes me want to do it more. I'd really like to get back to NY, but that would be way too expensive.

I wish I could just have all of my close friends in one area.. that would make hanging out a lot easier!

Noe started setting up our ghetto studio in the left half of the living room... and hopefully this production company, or what ever it is will actually work out. I wouldn't mind getting some extra cash for taking pictures of people!

And, I'm done. So, I leave you with this!
lunypigletgirl (11:13:39 PM): you're on late
mattpetersrox (11:13:58 PM): i know
mattpetersrox (11:14:05 PM): im eating jellybeans
lunypigletgirl (11:15:12 PM): HAHAHA

(Scream it out loud)

Friday, August 17, 2007

3:37AM - And back to work I go...

I requested two weeks off from work, and had the best time ever.

First, my travels brought be up to Vegas with most of my family. (My brother ended up not attending). We stayed there for the weekend in two of the coolest Casino's ever. The Luxor is my favorite one... yay Egyptian!

Then, on monday I started my actual drive that would eventually bring me to Kansas. The I-15/I-70 are very interesting freeway's to drive on. First, as you leave Vegas, you drive into nothing. There are a few town's, but other then that... just desert, sand, and distant mountains. Then, the 15 brings you down through the very tip of Arizona..where you go through some very pretty red rocked mountains. After that you travel up into Utah, and pretty much go through the entire state at a very weird diagonal. After a while of tree's, you get into the Utah mountains...which are nothing but bare rocks. You merge onto the 70 and start heading into higher mountains.... In between talking with my dad, Roy, and Alison via text, my little Nissan and I ventured into the Rockie's, and came to rest in Lakewood, CO after about 11 hours of straight driving. The Rockie's, I must say, are the most beautiful mountains ever. Roy is lucky that he had the opportunity to move out there.

So, we went and got dinner, and he smoked a little bit. I met his very cool roommates, and then we watched Harry Potter 1. I can't remember if we watched something else, but I got to sleep on this way small couch :( In a very odd looking position!

The next morning when they left for work, I started my next 9 hour leg of journey to Shawnee KS.... So, I had to drive through the entire state.

After the Rockie's, it all just pretty much becomes green, and flat.

I got to Ali's house in the evening.. we went and got something to eat. My poor tires were in dire need of air! YIKES!!! And literally, that whole week and a half was just one big blur of fun! World's of Fun where we went on all of the cool rides, and got to be in rain..and go on the kid rides!!!!, meeting Zach!!! He is such a cute little kid! and he acts older then he is(2), getting matching Tattoo's of a winking kitty cat!!!!! on our ankles, drinking with Kris and his friends, smoking with Kris, watching thunderstorms and drinking with Kris again, going to see movies(Simpsons and Chuck and Larry), playing video games, watching movies at home... GETTING A WHOLE BUNCH OF MOVIES FOR A DOLLAR EACH!!!!!!!!!!!!....from Wal Mart., taking lots of fun and awesome pictures, looking at way OLD pictures, finding Courtney on myspace, go to the mall to get free stuff from JCPenny!!!! ...And so much more.

Last friday I had to start making my way back towards CA. Got to Roy's place sometime around 6ish... damn traffic! Went over to his friend Tony's house...he's a pretty cool guy! Hung around there waiting for a guy to show up....but he didn't end up coming, so we left. We rolled that night...soooooo much fun. Watched some movies, listened to some music. Went to sleep at 8am in the living room because it was way hot in Roy's... and then ventured into the darkness because it was too cold, lol. Slept until some time in the afternoon... and then eventually got up and went and got food. We went back over to Tony's house, and got some smokey goodness to make us feel better, haha. On sunday we went and saw The Simpsons movie, went to Wal Mart in Littleton, Co...and I straightened Roy's hair.... and I smoked more than I ever have in my life!

And, on monday I drove 15 hours back to La Mesa... somehow stayed up with Noe, Tommy and Jason until 5am, and then slept all day.

I have lots of pictures, but they are not online yet...

(Scream it out loud)

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

12:27AM - Hello Old Friend.....

So, I've escaped from CA.

I was in Vegas with my family for the weekend.

Then spent 11 hours driving to Denver to see Roy. And oh man, that state is so damn pretty! Those mountains rock. Twas a good choice to move to.

And now currently, after about 9 more hours of driving... I'm in Kansas visiting Ali and Zach.

And I'm having so much fun already!

DUNKIN DONUTS TRIP TOMORROW!! Woop.

And then in two weeks I get to spend a whole weekend in Lakewood, CO. YAY ^_^

(1 Blown Eardrums | Scream it out loud)

Sunday, January 28, 2007

1:28AM - Pain!

And not the song either.

My mouth is fucking killing me! Damn those evil tools that crack teeth!

(Scream it out loud)

Monday, October 2, 2006

2:34AM

I HAVE THE INTERNET AGAIN, WOO HOO!!! lol

(Scream it out loud)

Tuesday, September 5, 2006

3:27PM

* Full name: Hillary Jean Papirio
* Birthday: March 27, 1986
* Eyes: Brown
* Hair: Currently Black
* Height: 5' 5"
* Shoe Size: 9 ish?
* Who lives with you: I live with Raf, Nat and Raf's dad
* When is your bedtime?: Whenever I fall asleep

------------------HAVE YOU EVER------------------
* Flown on a plane: Yes
* Ever been so drunk you blacked out: twice
* Missed school because it was raining: unfortunately
* Told a guy/girl that you liked them?: Yes
* Put a body part on fire for amusement: No
* Had a crush on a friends girlfriend/boyfriend: no
* Been hurt emotionally: Hasn't everyone?
* Had an imaginary friend: I don't think so
* Wanted to hook up with a friend: Yes
* Ever thought an animated character was hot?: Hell yes.
* Been on stage: Yes
* Cut your hair: Of course
* Had crush on a teacher? no
* Shampoo: Conditioner
* Fav Color: blue
* Day/Night: night
* Summer/Winter: Winter
* Lace or Satin: Satin
* Cartoon Character: Shin Chan
* Fave Food: the edible kind
*Fave Advertisement: nothing
* Fave Drink: something that isn't good for me
* Person/persons talking to online: any of my friends
* Fave sport: watching the nfl on tv
* Fave Car: My nissan

-----------------RIGHT NOW------------------
* Wearing: Black dickies, blue shirt, converse...you know.
* Eating: Nothing
* Drinking: Nothing
* Thinkin bout: what to fill in for answers
* Listening to: the fan that isn't working very well
---------------IN THE LAST 24 HRS------------------
* Cried: No
* Worn jeans: no
* Met someone New online: No
* Done laundry: No
* Drove a car: Yes
* Talked on the phone: Yes
* Kissed someone: no
* Said "I love you": no

---------------DO YOU BELIEVE IN--------------
* Yourself: Not really
* Your friends: Always
* Santa Claus: only if he can drink blood and scare children...
* Tooth Fairy: No
* Destiny/Fate: I think so
* Angels: no
* Ghosts: Yes
* UFO's: Yes
* God: In some form or another
--------FRIENDS AND LIFE------------------
* Do you ever wish you had another name? like what?
* Do you like anyone? not really
* Which one of your friends acts the most like you? hmm..... i don't know actually
* Who have you known the longest of your friends: Ali
* Who's the loudest: sober or not?
* Who's the shyest: i don't know
* Are you close to any family members?: No
* Who's the weirdest?: Me
* Who do you hang out with the most? nat and raf since i live here for now
* When you cried the most: When I was younger
* What's the best feeling in the world: When someone acknowledges me
+Worst Feeling: when people who you are close to die
* Do you want all your friends to do this and send it back to you: Hell no
* What time is it now?: 3:38

FINISH EACH SENTENCE:
Let's walk: around the block.
Let's run through: the hallway and be as loud as we want.
Let's look at the: stars.
What a nice: voice.
Where did all these: bottles come from?
When will they: finally understand.
How are: you feeling?
Why can't you: leave me alone?
Silly, little: rose.
Show me some: laughs.
the sky is: empty
Tell me: what you're thinking
Hide me: from myself
Love me: ...please?
I hate your stupid: house
My mom thinks you're: ugly
He's not: fiction, he's real!
Are you that: stupid?

HAVE YOU EVER
1. Kissed your cousin: not in the way that this implies
2. Ran away: kicked out
3. Pictured your crush naked: that would imply that I have a crush
4. skipped school: Yes
5. Broken someone's heart: probably
6. Been in love: no
7. Cried when someone died: Yes
8. Wanted someone you knew you couldn't have: Yeah
10. Done something embarrassing?: Every day
11. Done a drug: Yes.
12. Cried in school: Yes

WHICH IS BETTER
13. Coke or Pepsi: Pepsi
14. Sprite or 7UP: 7UP
15. Girls or Guys: guys
17. Scruff or Clean shaved: Scruff!!!!!!
18. Blondes or Brunettes: dark hair mainly... but it depends
19. Bitchy or Slutty: Neither
20. Tall or Short: taller than me
21. Pants or Shorts: Pants
22. Night or Day: Night

WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX
23. What do you notice first: Everything
24. Last person you slow danced with: ummmmmmmmmm........ o.o
THE LAST TIME YOU...
26. Showered: yesterday
27. Stepped outside: a little while ago
28. Had Sex: I can't even remember
29. Romantic memory:

RANDOMS
30. Your Good Luck Charm: i have bad luck, so fuck you buddy!
31. Person You Hate Most: that one person....oh yeah! me
32. Best Thing That Has Happened: i don't know
33. On your desk: i don't have one
34.Picture on your desktop: a picture of the dark tower
35. Color: blue
36. Movie: Dunno
37. Artist: one of the cool ones
38. Cars: comfy ones
39. Ice Cream: gelato, bitches!
40. Season: winter
41. Breakfast Food: whatever
WHO
42. Makes you laugh the most: depends on my mood at the time
43. Makes you smile: the friends
44. Can make you feel better no matter what: certain friends
45. Has A Crush On You: probably no one
46. Do You Have A Crush On Someone: I don't know
47. Who Has it easier? Girls or Guys?: fuck if i know!

DO YOU EVER
49. Sit by the phone waiting for a phone call all night: no, but my phone is always in my pocket
50. Save MSN conversations: Sometimes I save a aim convo
51. Save E-mails: If they're important
52. Forward secret E-mails: No
53. Wish you were someone else: not really
54. Wish you were a member of the opposite sex: It's crossed my mind many times
55. Wear perfume: not currently
56. Kiss: Whenever I can
57. Cuddle: Whenever I can
58. Go online for longer than eight hours at a time: I have before

HAVE YOU EVER
59. Fallen for your best friend?: no
60. Made out with JUST a friend?: Yes
61. Kissed two people in the same day?: No
62 Had sex with two different people in the same day?: no
63. Been rejected: always
64. Been in love?: no
65. Been in lust?: Yep
66. Used someone?: They used me too
67. Been used?: Yes
68. Cheated on someone?: No
69. Been cheated on?: that would imply relationship...so, no
70. Been kissed?: Yes
71. Done something you regret?: No. but i probably should

WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON...
72. You touched?: i hugged Roy yesterday?
73. You talked to?: Chris
74. You hugged?: Roy
75. you instant messaged?: Matt
76. You kissed?: Don't know
77. You yelled at?: I don't know
78. You thought about?: There's a few
79. Who text messaged you?: Roy
80. Who broke your heart?: I don't have a heart....
81. who told you they loved you?: My parents..... how sad.

DO YOU...
82. Color your hair? yes i do
83. Have tattoos?: Not yet
84. Have piercings?: ears
85. Have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: No.
86. Own a webcam?: No.
87. Own a thong?: No
88. Ever get off the damn computer?: Yeah I work.
89. Sprechen Sie Deutsch?: No, but I know what that means
90. Habla espanol: enough to understand a few things
91. Quack?: Muack!!!!
HAVE YOU / DO YOU / ARE YOU...
92. Stolen anything?: Sure have
93. Smoke?: not as a habit, but i have when i'm around friends who smoke
94. Schizophrenic?: no
95. Obsessive?: With some things I suppose
96. Compulsive?: Very
97. Obsessive compulsive?: Probably
98. Panic?: I almost never panic.
99. Anxiety?: Yes
100. Depressed?: Hey, it happens

Current mood:

hot

Current music: the fan

(Scream it out loud)

Friday, September 1, 2006

12:53PM

So...to update on my life... I suppose, I can tell livejournal how I feel....since not very many people care to listen.

I need to be out of my current residence by September 25th, which seriously sucks. I know of no one that is in need of a roommate, and I don't even know where to start looking.
I need to look for a new job because as you are all aware...my current one sucks, and pays shit. Now the question is: where can I find an evening job that pays a lot better then Regal? ...I have no clue!
I am currently enrolled in 17.5 units at Grossmont College, and I want to continue schooling somewhere, which is another problem.

I'm tired of people asking my what I want to do in life. Especially when they are being hypocritical. I do not enjoy being made fun of on a daily basis, even though certain individuals seem to find in amusing, and then wonder why I get angry. I have very low self confidence and self esteem as it is, and it's not getting any easier because of them. I don't like being pushed into doing anything... If I want to do something, I'll do it, damn it!

I'm dealing with so much stress right now, and getting a break from all of that crap would be wonderful.
Because not only do I have to worry about where I'll be sleeping in less than a month, but I have to make sure I'm passing all of my classes, get a new job....

and make sure my damn brother doesn't go back to jail!

Current music: Wallflowers - One Headlight

(1 Blown Eardrums | Scream it out loud)

Sunday, August 20, 2006

1:12AM - o.o

what is fun? happiness? true laughter?

hmmmmm.........

...anyone? blah.

Current mood:

>.O

Current music: some metal thing in the tv

(Scream it out loud)

Friday, August 11, 2006

12:51AM - Good God!

Is it bad to mix two different kinds of toothpaste?

Oh man. Livejournal. I've lost my train of thought....

Anyone want to drink?

(2 Blown Eardrums | Scream it out loud)

Saturday, July 15, 2006

2:53PM

dear god it's fucking hot...

(1 Blown Eardrums | Scream it out loud)

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

3:08AM - Hmm

So, I'm pretty sure that I'm just going to give up on guys all together, and become that wonderful Cat Lady that Chris used to joke about all the time.

I'm not even fucking trying, and all I seem to attract are stupid fucking assholes with more psycological problems then they know how to handle.

..who feel the need to shove sugar coated bullshit in my face in hopes that it will make me feel better, when in all actuality pisses me off more, because I would honestly rather have someone tell me to fuck off then give me that "you're a really great person, but...." speech.

Oh yeah! How could I forget. Any other negative comments that any of you lovely livejournal people would like to share with me? I'm always accepting criticism, since that's all I ever seem to get. I wonder if I can do anything right.

I'm done. Basta ya!

Current mood:

Current music: Ill Nino - My Pleasant Torture

(2 Blown Eardrums | Scream it out loud)

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

1:35AM

I like A Silent Scream.

Gunia's idea, and I thank him for it.

It suits me well especially now.

Damn it.

Current mood:

annoyed

Current music: none

(2 Blown Eardrums | Scream it out loud)

Friday, May 5, 2006

1:23AM

So uhh.... yeah.

shit and shit and some more shit.
I straightened Nat's hair.... it looks rad :)
I'm attacking mine in the morning.
I'm listening to Coldplay? And, I have to wake up early.
Talkin to Antonio, and...my cat's being a whore.

this is all.

(Scream it out loud)

Thursday, April 27, 2006

1:30AM

blah blah blah.....

having chats with certain close friends is sometimes a good thing.

...this time...it was a good thing.

things i need to work on:
self esteem
(apparently) acting more like a girl
dressing like one as well...
morals
self confidence
happiness?
eating, because i am apparently WAY too skinny
..and probably a few other things.

Anything you can think of that I've missed here?

Current mood:

Current music: la computadora

(3 Blown Eardrums | Scream it out loud)

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

1:28AM

Right, so... getting positive complements for me is very strange. And, my friend keeps complementing me, and I feel bad because I don't know how to take them. I don't get positive complements...ever.

I'm getting better though. Except, I always seem to find the guys that don't want relationships. Unfortunately, I'm used to that :\ lol. And I'm fine with being friends with people.

But, it is yet again tuesday, which means that I'm a hooker...and apparent lesbian with my roommate. Odd. I like the hooker deal better.

I think the main problem in my life is the fact that I still work at Regal. I had a lovely discussion with my friend Jenny the other day however, and she said she would refer me to the place that she just got hired at. It's called Hartford...an insurance company that's right here in Santee...of all goddamn places. The only thing is, it's a full time career job. And, although it has insurance, and pays for schooling if you major in business... I want to still continue going to school ...at Grossmont, and then transfer to ITT Tech..because I still want to major in something that has to do with art.

Any comments on this? It would be greatly appreciated :)

Current mood:

insomniac!